Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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