so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let's get the cat blown out
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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