i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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