Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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