If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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