How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
