Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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