I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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