She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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