Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
