I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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