pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
