he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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