I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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