Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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