i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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