Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was confusing and full of hummus
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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