oh god the rape fog is back!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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