Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
