A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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