i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
