if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
