I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
