My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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