I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize