If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
it's like heaven, but drunker
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Terrible idea I love it
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
