i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
