I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
