I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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