woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
