At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
