my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
