Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
