3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
