All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
