I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
