i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
