This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
