highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
