you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
