My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
