just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
