I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
