Don't make out with my wife yet
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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