We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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