So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
