SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
