I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
