the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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