It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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