when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
