Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
