Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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