I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
