The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
