this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
