I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
