Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
