um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
