hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
