Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
only if we run a train.
done.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
