If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize