I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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