He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
