True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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