Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
